Camp Boring

I'm writing this from work because I nearly went insane yesterday whilst in this very chair.

Nudists. You all want to see one, right? Or many of them? Together, being naked? Something about the idea of them being available for the looking at seems pretty exciting (not the least because I am a pervert)? I mean, they're naked, and we wonder how people look naked. Even nuns wonder that, about God. It's like an exclamation point to the great big question mark, right in your asterisk if you're lucky and easy. So, spending several days looking at naked people on a computer maybe doesn't seem like such a bad thing, does it? Not at all. It's like checkin' up on some porn for a bit of cash and blowing it on chicken nuggets at dinnertime. Porn and nuggets, yo. What a life.

Well let me tell you about this buncha nudists. These people are BORING. And not just boring, but deathly humorless about everything, ESPECIALLY about being nudists. And if there's one thing the human body is, right behind sexy as all hell, it's fun-nay. It's a funny thing, how it's kinda flabby and misproportioned and has a great wad of flappy taboo junk right in the middle, or maybe some non-flappy inverted junk if you're a lady. I mean, I think says a lot if you can't laugh about what you are, and even more if you really, really can't stop talking about it. Like, we get it. You're free. And I mean all of that, unless you were at Dachau.

Basically, these are some sour nudists. They look sour, talk sour, and are sour. They spend all day roaming the grounds and sucking at being good. The grass turns brown under their feet and the trees above nod off and forget to be alive. These guys just can't stop justifying themelves to each other. It's one of those things where I don't get it, but then I do get it, and then suddenly I REALLY SUPER don't get it. People, nothing could be less interesting than this guy's tree-sized dong to me right now. This is bad, bad news.

It's like that person who tells the same bad joke over and over again in a group. At first you laugh 'cause it's a bad joke, then you laugh 'cause it's a meta-joke, and then suddenly you don't wanna laugh anymore because it's no joke at all. For a moment, this person is so desperate to be funny, they go right around the spinner to "ugly." It's the Chris Farley effect - like, he's so scary and shrill, it's like being in the room with a killer elephant on dope, who hates being an elephant. I'm not laughing, I'm running for my life! It's self-destructive and mean! He makes me scared! The worst part is, this elephant doesn't like it when anyone else tells jokes. This elephant hates it when you're funny.

And I mean, DON'T TELL JOKES. These nudists can be naked and out of shape, fine, they're people, but the minute YOU start talking about it, you're dead meat. You're just not allowed to. And don't even think about cracking a joke about Ron Jeremy unless you have three days to listen to the nudist manifesto on body acceptance. These chumps actually think they're being persecuted.

Y'all, I have nothing against nudists. I am a nudist. Actually, I wear clothes like a human being. But seriously, I think nudists are fine. Because really, put one of these bozos in clothes for a minute. Don't they still suck? They don't have to suck. You can totally have funny, dynamic nudists to camp with, or go on a rafting trip with, or even drink around the fire and shoot the breeze with. This seems fun and illuminating. Or, you can have boring, defensive nudists that don't seem to enjoy being nudists at all. Why do that? I don't get it. They're closer to nature, aren't they? So when did nature become so dull?

I gotta say, to top it all off, their biggest crime is that they make the show boring. That's all.

(Yo, I mean any show. I'm not even saying they're gonna be on the show in five weeks.)