Mo' Angeles

Life these days has been a balancing act between my inside and my outside, between my feelings and my chores, where some feelings keep me motivated to do my chores, and most chores keep me from feeling too many feelings. It's all about work, rent, spending habits, groceries, furniture and the apartment. I need to keep my eye on the smaller picture because my brain can't handle anything else. One day it'll all fit into the bigger picture and lay the groundwork for the biggest picture: my motion picture. Ghehe. Poop.

Feelings are weird. There's the need to constantly clarify the situation while it's been changing, but the danger that too much clarity will be overwhelming. There's the need to be overwhelmed because it's the only time I'll ever feel like this, in this place, in this way. There's the worry that it's only been two weeks and I'm already feeling my life congeal into into a routine that works perfectly fine. There's the absolute freedom of living in a city where my dreams live and not a soul knows me but my brother. And this is such. a. big. city.

It's so crazy and so big that I haven't even accepted that it's home yet. How could I? I haven't felt like I had a room that was a part of a "home" since I lived in Redmond. For years it's been a fact that my living situations were temporary and by chance, linked to college life, a life that was always supposed to be over. College is the final guarantee that something will be different someday; afterward, your life can stay exactly the same if you want it to.

So as this life stops feeling like vay-cay, there's a feeling setting in that my home is actually going to be My Home. It's like touring an empty set the night before they start filming. You turn over the props in your hand with a kind of heartsick clarity before all the next day's bustle makes you forget you have anything but a job to do. Before I realize it, this room is going to be where the next few years have happened; one day, I'll think of this room when I miss home. However long I stay here, there's never going to be an artificial countdown. It's been a long time since I was promised that kind of peace.

I'm in the middle in a lot of different areas in my life, and I feel like this is as good a thing for my friends to know as *actual* things that happen to me. Things haven't been just home and work - I've seen the sights, seen Eric on the weekends, met his friends, heard endless bloodcurdling screams in Old Filipino Town, gotten in touch with a smokin' hot babe whose number I was somehow given at the bank, and watched Baby Geniuses 2 while fucking high. Things are good, but so, so weird. And since these feelings in this place will never happen in this way ever again, it might be interesting for you to hear my non-thoughts before they're all sexed up for the biopic.

ANYWAY. thanks for all of YOUR updates, people. They mean SO MUCH to me even when you think they're boring. :'D