HD Diva D.

I got an Xbox 360 a little while ago. Anybody who knows me knows that this is heresy, as I’ve been a Nintendo loyalist ever since the Super Nintendo vs. Sega Fagasis (okay) console war of 1991. When my friend’s mom referred to video game systems collectively as “Segas,” it made me sick. I mean come on, lady. They’re “Nintendos.” Get some effing perspective.

And then there was this Playstation thing. Did you know that Nintendo originally commissioned Sony to design a console that would play all Super Nintendo games as well as newer, CD-based titles? Well, they fuckin’ did. Then it turned out that Sony had hoodwinked Nintendo into handing all game rights on the SNES-CD format over to Sony. Well, I’d collapse all negotiations too. Good on you, Nintendo! We had 32 MORE bits to suck on!

So anyway, Microsoft comes along and says they’re gonna make a console too. By this time ol’ Segs is getting a little long in the tooth, and their Gaycast is dead. They’re making games for other consoles. Fine. But now Microsoft has a console in the pipes? Don’t they make computers or soe’en? Nevermind that the name they’ve chosen is pure gorgeous simplicity. Xbox. Sexbox. Or that at this point Nintendo was going to call their latest system the “Star Cube.” Whatever, I like it. It’s positive. The point is, videogame systems are meant to be called “Nintendos” by moms and that’s fuckin that.

Well, the next console war rolls around and here’s Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo, at it again. The rollout is a little more staggered than before because Sony and Microsoft want to drop their systems as soon as they can get away with it. And they do. But here’s something curious - for an update to a system that made such a splash the first time around, the Xbox 360 makes hardly a ripple. And saddled under the weight of its internal Blu-Ray drive, the PlayStation 3 costs about as much as the Queen’s diamond dingleberries and is about as tough to procure.

Moms, and everyone else, found the Wii to be their solution. Just as Nintendo had (n)intended, their motion-based controller appealed to absolutely everybody, and soon all of us were swinging a golf club in our living rooms because, holy shit, it made us go "wii"! Nintendo had introduced an entirely new demographic to video gaming – the casual homebody. Plus, the name sounds like another name for “dick.” Now THAT’S sexy.

So here I am with an Xbox 360. What happened? Well, I just REALLY needed to play some videogames. And with my Wii back in Redmond, I wasn’t about to go for another one. I still think the Blu-Ray drive is a joke, and had foolishly assumed that the Xbox 360 might have entered the market with some sort of competitive alternative (i.e. – the HD DVD drive). Well, it doesn’t. I mean, wow. But I do get to play Halo 3 all I want, and for an extra $179 I was able to purchase the bare-bones HD DVD add-on that plugs into your 360 via a USB plug. It’s actually a wonderful little device. And it comes with King Kong! Anybody who knows me knows that I've wanted to make out with Peter Jackson since the age of ten, so this was like bundled porno. I also found a Best Buy gift card for $200 that expired yesterday, so I got Hot Fuzz, Eyes Wide Shut, Transformers, and the Ulitmate Matrix Collection for naught but the tread on my shoes.

Yes, I’m a thirteen-year-old boy. But I know back in Redmond that my mom will always call my game systems “David’s Nintendo,” and I love her. And that, I'm sure, means the war was won.